


Tale of a Drunken Septon

by AVirtoMusae



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Game of Thrones social commentary, Gen, Homophobia, Humor, M/M, Making fun of the social situation, Multi, Not to be taken seriously, POV character dies, at all, not at all serious, sarcastic narration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-16 01:09:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5807479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AVirtoMusae/pseuds/AVirtoMusae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Vegar was a septon known for not making many judgments about the people he married, but that may have just been that he was perpetually drunk and couldn’t tell that the people he was marrying weren’t supposed to marry."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tale of a Drunken Septon

**Author's Note:**

> This is humor, and Vegar's beliefs are not my own. I am poking humor at some of the social situation in Game of Thrones because hey, look, I can.

Vegar was a septon known for not making many judgments about the people he married, but that may have just been that he was perpetually drunk and couldn’t tell that the people he was marrying weren’t supposed to marry. Weren’t supposed to be given the blessings of the Seven. As he was not exactly liked by the rest of the septons and septas, whether his weddings were legal was really up for debate. Especially since about three-quarters of the people he married were already married to other people. Again, Vegar was not known for being judgemental or wise.

When Vegar was little, he’d had literally no interest in being a septon. Actually, he’d thought the idea of being a septon was repulsive. Who actually wanted to learn that much after all? He’d always had much more interest in watching his father inhale his liquor. Vegar’d gotten his first taste at age four and loved it. He’d gotten tipsy from just a couple sips. 

Then the septons had come and offered his parents a couple golden stags for a couple of their children to train up. That was a good deal, and his parents hadn’t even had to think about it. So, Vegar had ended up in septon school (that wasn’t the technical name, but did Vegar give a shit? Uuuuuuh, no, no he didn’t). 

Septon Vegar was a failure. He didn’t get a single one of those rules and regulations he was supposed to. Seriously, who would even want to deny themself the stuff septons did? Vegar really liked alcohol, and, oh yeah, sex. Vegar liked that. Seriously, why were septons so damn picky about it?

Of course, as all dissidents were, Vegar sort of got himself banned from the septry. Well, not really. Well, kind of. He was scowled on there, but he didn’t get his rights revoked. Which was good because he sort of started making money off things like gambling, and then, marrying people not exactly approved of by public eye and the sept.

He’d marry any man to any woman and vice versa were the money right. A lot of people came to him despite his shit reputation. The first — what ten years? he was a drunk and was bad at that whole “passage of time” thing — some amount of time passed quietly. He was loved by the peasantry, but it was only the peasantry. Then one day, something happened.

A guy with white hair (he was a guy, right? he was pretty) came up with a dark-haired girl and insisted they be married that instant. The guy had money, so Vegar didn’t see any problems. Actually, he had no problems until about the time he started thinking, “Oh, shit, I helped start a war.” He wasn’t guilty because that would be ridiculous and imply he actually had a conscience. Why would he want one of those? He was more freaked that something bad would happen to Vegar because Vegar was like that.

Sometime later, the war was done and there was a new king. The new one knew how to party, so Vegar was pretty happy that he’d started the war. So yeah, he actually gave enough shits to realize, “hey look, it’s the queen and that kingslayer,” when the queen and her brother came to get married by him. Vegar might’ve thought it was a little strange, but hey, he didn’t judge, so yeah. He married them. Nothing really came of that. Except maybe blonde children, but Vegar wasn’t virtuous to think kids could only happen in marriage. 

So a few years more passed uneventfully — at least, Vegar assumed it was years. But then a third couple came to his door. One had dark hair in a ponytail and the other had curly blond hair. They were both pretty. And they were both men.

Now, Vegar was known for having lax morals, but even he had a what-the-seven-fucking-hells moment. Two men?! Together?! Like with sex?! Where did the parts even go? Actually, scratch that, Vegar didn’t even want to know. 

He drew the line at marrying two men to one another. So he tossed the two men out all the while yelling at them for their pathetic morals. Vegar was the definition of a hypocrite. 

So, everything went pear-shaped and then suddenly everyone wanted King’s Landing. Like seriously, just because you want the throne doesn’t mean you can decide to destroy a city. Except that it sort of did. So yeah, Vegar was pretty scared because he didn’t exactly like the whole “life in danger” shit that was going on. He was a drunken, gambling septon. Why the fuck should he die for other people’s want for power.

So yeah, he was pretty fucking relieved when he found that people were not going to take over the city. Except, well, he was less likely to die under Stannis because he’d never offended Stannis Baratheon.

Loras Tyrell, the moody teenager, was another story entirely because Vegar hadn’t married him to that dead king of his. So yeah, maybe Vegar should have been alarmed when the kid came in, carrying some book. “You wanna marry that book of yours?” Vegar scoffed.

“Look at it,” Loras said snippishly. He opened the covers and flipped through so Vegar could get the general idea of what it was about. 

Vegar covered his eyes as best he could in alarm. He was gaping. The book was ungodly and quite alarming. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to unsee what he’d seen. It was horrifying. Godsdammit, Vegar was a septon. He wasn’t supposed to see shit like this.

“It makes septons go blind,” Loras decided. And then suddenly there was a sword in Vegar’s gut, and hey look, Vegar suddenly stopped caring about that book because he was super dead. Things didn’t really matter anymore.

And then Loras went along his own business because frankly, everyone knew Vegar was a drunken ass and no one really gave two shits about the peasantry.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah. Please review and kudo it and whatnot. I hope this made you laugh. Next chapter of _How Not to Camp_ should be coming out within the week.
>
>> A Virto Musae  
> By the Virtue of the Muse


End file.
